I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
