I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
