I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
