In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
