dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Pooping to opera.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
