After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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