tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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