I am in a vortex of obligation.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
