omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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