My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
