the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
