I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
