apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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