Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
