I've blown a few things in my day
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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