If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
