I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
