It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
