I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
