She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
