Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize