If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
