is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
