This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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