I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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