My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
