Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
