how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
