You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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