I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize