So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
