Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize