I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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