So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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