All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
