The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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