I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
