never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize