He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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