If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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