I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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