Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
