If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
