I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
