In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize