and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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