and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
