My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
