So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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