So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
