I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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