I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
