I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
