I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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