Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
