Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Houston, we have a blender
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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