The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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