Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
