I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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