last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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