I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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