There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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